I’m Just Wanting You to Listen

Time to share a pet peeve. Wow, this blog is starting to sound like Andy Rooney!

I’ve been whining a lot lately, and as a result I’ve noticed something about whinees, you know, those close friends that you share your burdens with. Look, I know that whining is ugly and unproductive. We should be bold spiritual warriors and bear our burdens alone with strength and quiet resolve. Wrong. Some folks, like me, are verbal and do better when they can just vent and verbalize their problems. They (we) are not looking for answers and don’t expect you to have some miracle solution that we didn’t think of, we just want to get it off our chest. Granted, some people do this all the time and are annoying, but if someone who is not normally a chronic whiner comes to you because you are a good friend and wants to vent, consider it an honor and if you have time, listen to them, offer to pray with them, or just tell them how sorry you are for there.

Here is what NOT to do, and my pet peeves:

1. Don’t try to one-up them. There’s the joke about the guy who complains about his back and the guy he talks to says, “Your back, what about my knee?” Or, imagine the old guys in the Monty Python skit who would one-up one another’s stories of their rough upbringing. I’ve had some financial struggles lately. Yes, I know the whole country is having financial struggles, and that in perspective, mine are minor. I’m not being foreclosed on, I’m paying all my bills, I’m certainly not starving. But for me, they are very real concerns. I hate it when I share my concerns and my friend proceeds to tell me how much worse off they are than I am.  Great, now I’m still worried about my finances but I feel like a heel for complaining when you have one foot in the poor house.  So please, when someone is whining about their finances, don’t tell them how much worse your finances are. When someone is whining about how busy they are, don’t pull out your schedule and show them how much busier you are. When someone is whining about their health, don’t tell them how much worse yours is. There is a place for empathy, but not for one-upping. Nothing makes you feel lower than when you turn to a friend for sympathy and they make you feel like a jerk for complaining about your problems when theirs are so much worse. You can have your turn to whine later, but for now, just listen.
2. Don’t “put it in perspective.” I’ve met people who, no matter how bad they were hurting, would say, “Well, there is someone worse off.” I’ve never seen how that helps your hurting, but if you want to say that about yourself and if that makes you feel better, have at it. But, please, if someone is telling you their problems, don’t point out that there are people worse off than them. It doesn’t help them and only makes them feel worse. Again, let’s use the financial problems. If I’m whining that I can’t get my lawn mower fixed, don’t remind me of the people who are living on a cup of rice. If I’m whining about a sore shoulder, don’t remind me of all the kids in the cancer ward. You’re right, of course, but you’re not helping. I’ve always said that there is no such thing as a “minor surgery”. If you’re being cut on, no matter how lightly, it’s a major surgery (for me giving blood is a major surgery). I’ve never seen anyone feel better about their problems by finding someone who is worse than they are.  So don’t tell them that there is someone worse. Just listen.
3. Don’t try to solve their problems. Ok, this one I’m guilty of. Most guys hear a problem and go into problem-solving mode. Unless your friend specifically asks for advice, don’t try to solve their problems. They are probably just wanting to vent and have a sympathetic ear to listen. Most likely they have thought about every solution you are offering and for whatever reason those things are working. Don’t be Dr. Phil unless they ask you to be, just listen.
4. Just listen. In case you missed the point, just listen.

I know, a whiner is annoying (I’m a minister, I’ve met my share of chronic whiners). But if someone who is not normally given over to times of self-pity comes to you as a trusted friend and tells you their problems, it’s probably because they are overwhelmed and just want a friend to listen. Remember, Job’s friends did great when they sat in silence, it’s when they opened their mouths that they got into trouble.

Just listen.