I’m tired. So tired.
Ok, if you have that scene from Blazing Saddles with Madeline Kahn in your mind, you’ve got my sense of humor. I wasn’t even thinking about that song when I typed in the title, but now I can’t get it out of my mind.
Honestly, I’m just going to whine a bit, and I’m sorry about that, but if you can’t vent to your blog, who can you vent to? I’m just really tired. Got a new baby in the house who has my up-all-night schedule (I’m paying for my childhood). The work at the church is grueling at times. Someone once said that preaching is like giving birth on Sunday then on Monday you’re pregnant all over again: it just never ends. Normal stress at church adds to the tiredness and when you are in the ministry you don’t just walk away from work at the end of the day (I spent a good portion of my “day off” yesterday doing ministry stuff; I know, we’re not supposed to do that, but in a small church, you do what you do). On top of that, the prospects of vacation look pretty bleak: because of the baby it is just not going to work out logistically or financially. What I mean is this: we could go cheap and just go camping somewhere in a state park (Kentucky has some awesome parks), but that is not feasible with a newborn. Wherever we go will have to have a roof over it, but financially that is not going to work out. So, I have two weeks available and nowhere to go. I’m really thinking about disconnecting the phone and pitching a tent in my backyard if I could find a spot out there that the dogs have not marked with a little pile.
But I’ll tell you what’s making it worse: all the vacation talk I hear from others and read on blogs. It seems as though everyone is going on about what a great vacation they’re having. The beach is wonderful, the amusement park is great, sailing on the lake is sooooo refreshing. It’s like starving and hearing someone loudly eating a steak dinner, with belly rubs and lip smacks. On top of that I read about folks whose ministries send them on sabbaticals: months of recharging that is paid for by the ministry where they can spend time praying, relaxing, writing, and reading spiritual stuff. That sounds like the closest thing to Paradise on this side of Christ’s Return. I’ll be honest: I enjoyed the time in the hospital when my wife gave birth because it was 3 days of just hanging out with her and the little Sprocket doing nothing.
Seriously, though, I’m just griping and whining, but I do worry about these times when I’m so tired. Being tired in the ministry is a VERY dangerous place to be. The devil is quick to set up an attack of discouragement. Discouragement leads to bitterness which leads to discontent. You start seeing everything through a negative lens. It’s hard to be focused on a sermon or a lesson or the administration of the congregation when you just don’t care.
I honestly think more ministers burn out because of just being tired than from conflict or moral failure. Those of you who are not ministers are probably rolling your eyes; after all, it seems as though the ministry is a pretty cush job. We’re not digging ditches or putting roofs on in the summer heat, after all. And, you know the jokes, we only work 2 days a week. Truth is, the ministry while not physically demanding is toilsome in other ways. Long hours, a 24/7 on-call mentality, the feeling of ultimate responsibility for a congregation, constant planning and visioneering. Elijah was under the broom tree because he was tired: after all, he had just won a huge spiritual battle. And while I apologize for whining, I’m encouraged to see that Elijah whined with a lot more drama than I.
I’ve found the ministry a little like having a newborn, which I’m now experienced in. You get overwhelmed simply because you can’t just walk away from the little guy for a break. You don’t just put him to bed and forget about him for 8 hours, you can’t take a “day off”, and in the end, you are 100% responsible for making sure he is safe, fed, cleaned, and nurtured. That’s what shepherding a church is like in many ways. Even my last vacation, nearly a year ago, was cut short by 2 days so I could come back here and perform a wedding– you can’t just turn off the needs of the church, especially in a small church with limited staff. I just got a newsletter from a large church with 51 staff members… I can’t even imagine that kind of specialization and how great it must be.
Anyway, sorry for the sob story, I’m just venting. It feels good to put words on screen, now it’s time to get back to work. Hey, at least it inspired me to blog something after so long.